There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. humor
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. motherhood
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. being funny
Children make your life important. life
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.' time
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. dreams & time
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. cars & time
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. cars & marriage
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. Christmas & morning
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. medical
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. cars
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. courage
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. cars & parenting
God created man, but I could do better. God
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. cars
Never order food in excess of your body weight. food
Never have more children than you have car windows. cars & being funny
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? men
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. family & food
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other. success
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. diets & being funny
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. courage & dreams
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. family, food, politics & religion
When humor goes, there goes civilization. humor
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. cars
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. motherhood & wisdom
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. graduation
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. women
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. women
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. birthday
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. sports
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. medical
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. design