The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. marriage
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. anniversary
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! graduation
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. being funny & morning
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. greatness
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. money
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. marriage
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. cars
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. Christmas
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. teacher
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. women
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City? fatherhood
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. medical
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. happiness & money
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. travel
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. being funny