The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. life
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. music
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. being funny
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. medical
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. being funny
Women should be obscene and not heard. women
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. time
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. time
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. beauty
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. time
Humor is reason gone mad. humor
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. being funny & women
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. marriage & politics
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. relationships
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. art & politics
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. time
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. humor
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. being good
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. medical
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. morning
I must confess, I was born at a very early age. aging
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. intelligence
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. being funny
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? marriage
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. life & women
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. being good
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. best
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. wedding
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. wedding