Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. life & women
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. being good
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. humor
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. being funny & women
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. relationships
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. medical
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. being funny
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. marriage & politics
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. time
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. art & politics
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. morning
Women should be obscene and not heard. women
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. life
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. being funny
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? marriage
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. time
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. time
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. best
I must confess, I was born at a very early age. aging
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. being good
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. beauty
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. wedding
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. intelligence
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. time
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. music
Humor is reason gone mad. humor
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. being funny
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. medical
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. wedding