When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do well, that's Memoirs. being good
Politics is applesauce. politics
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. being funny, government & thankful
If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. government & money
The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them. time
I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one. war
If you can build a business up big enough, it's respectable. business
If you want to be successful, it's just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing. love
Don't gamble take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it. finance & being good
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. government & politics
The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets. death & time
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. being funny
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate? government
There's only one thing that can kill the movies, and that's education. education & movies
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. government
A fool and his money are soon elected. money & politics
If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress. being funny
We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business? business
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock. art
It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts. business
Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln. government
The time to save is now. When a dog gets a bone, he doesn't go out and make a down payment on a bigger bone. He buries the one he's got. time
It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you. government
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. being funny
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer. the law
Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week. war
The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you. best
So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. family
A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people. learning
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. being good & government
Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it. money
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. experience & being good
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. being funny
There is no more independence in politics than there is in jail. politics
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. government
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. life & time
Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it. government
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can. being good & life
Do the best you can, and don't take life too serious. best & life
You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way. war
If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics. politics & truth
Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have. money & women
The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself. business & movies
An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's. business & being good
We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others. equality
People are getting smarter nowadays they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide. the law
In Hollywood you can see things at night that are fast enough to be in the Olympics in the day time. time
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. being funny
Liberty doesn't work as well in practice as it does in speeches. work
The best way out of a difficulty is through it. best
The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other. politics
The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How is the president?' best & morning
Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated. money & politics
America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the select few. education
A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth. truth
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need. art & money
The United States never lost a war or won a conference. war