Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself. relationships
Husbands never become good they merely become proficient. being good
Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest. marriage
Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies. religion
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. aging & wisdom
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. being funny
Bachelors know more about women than married men if they didn't they'd be married too. marriage, men & women
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. imagination, intelligence & love
War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebrums and smaller adrenal glands. peace & war
Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. experience, love & women
I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time. government & time
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable. faith
Women always excel men in that sort of wisdom which comes from experience. To be a woman is in itself a terrible experience. experience, men, wisdom & women
Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. love & war
We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine. knowledge
There is a saying in Baltimore that crabs may be prepared in fifty ways and that all of them are good. being good
The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral. music
It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf. being good
Temptation is an irresistible force at work on a movable body. work
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? being funny & marriage
Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good. being good & men
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later for another thing, they die earlier. marriage, men, time & women
It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods. God & imagination
Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it. love
Time stays, we go. time
What men value in this world is not rights but privileges. men
Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age. aging & history
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. being funny
A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. being good
A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable. society
Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. art, government & science
Historian: an unsuccessful novelist. history
A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in. best
To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess. love
All government, of course, is against liberty. government
The only really happy folk are married women and single men. men & women
Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love. love, men & women
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. love
The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore. God
To die for an idea it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true! men
All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. men
Poetry has done enough when it charms, but prose must also convince. poetry
A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them. love
Nine times out of ten, in the arts as in life, there is actually no truth to be discovered there is only error to be exposed. truth
We must be willing to pay a price for freedom. freedom
Adultery is the application of democracy to love. love
In war the heroes always outnumber the soldiers ten to one. war
The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. money
I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense. sports
When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. women
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. being good
If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish. being good & women
A bad man is the sort who weeps every time he speaks of a good woman. being good & time
In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. politics & thankful
Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. wisdom
Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time. time
Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under. government
It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. truth
Honor is simply the morality of superior men. men
Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. fear